Right now.
The irony of this week has been that mentally I’ve felt stronger, less anxious, more capable, more confident then I’ve ever felt before but that my body has been subdued somewhat by a virus that is going around school.
I think that before, it’s felt like things, predominantly exercise, have been a distraction. I do this because I need to stop thinking about this. Which works, I don’t doubt about that. Work was rubbish, so I exercised and it felt better for a while. It just doesn’t deal with the real issue. That’s not to say I don’t sometimes still do this.
Just sometimes at the moment it feels different. I don’t feel like I’m running from anything. (At least, I don’t feel like I’m running from things as much.) Finally the giant poster on my wall is starting to make more and more sense (the one that says ‘this is it, nothing happens next’). I can choose to engage with this moment, any moment or I can choose to merely cope with it. I can make that choice.
October 16, 2011