Maybe it’s married life, maybe it’s home being somewhere in China, maybe it’s working with children, maybe it’s that I’ll be a father next month or just maybe it’s the cumulative weight of my experiences.
Maybe it’s realising that only you can find your own way in this world and that they were right all along*. Yet, you know you’re stronger for finding out these truths out yourself.
Maybe it’s knowing those people who you are certain of. Whose kindness, love, support is never in doubt.
Maybe that while that group is small, maybe you willing give of yourself to countless more because this is it and because you can.
Maybe you’ll be the one to break a silence.
*Where to start… Let it go. Smile more. Worry less. Tell those that are important to you that they are, repeatedly. Be kind. Things will work out. And so on.
And when I can feel our baby move, if that isn’t the most glorious thing indeed.
It doesn’t make sense to me that you wouldn’t want to remember your life. This concept of partying, it’s like you’re sweeping up after yourself constantly. You’re just sweeping away your memories. I like to be present, and keep it with me. Some people think of straight edge as a tee-totaling sobriety movement, but in my mind it was just about self definition. I found it unimpeachably positive. But people always find ways to be derisive. You’re in England – you fucking know that, right? It’s an extremely snarky society.
Yes, that the thing at work is proving difficult but it’s not just that. It’s that you’re trying to eat right or get more exercise or to make sure you make the bed in the morning or to get at least 7 hours sleep or or or or… It’s putting everything together that is forever the problem.
Mine frequently revolves exercise. I will focus on it at the expense of everything else. Or at least I’ll try to because suddenly I don’t like the fact that I’m leaving home at 7:15 and not getting back 12 hours and then after a shower and eating the day is gone. I even thought I’d get some work done too!
The struggle is putting it together. To realise that exercise and food and spending time with L and other friends and Chinese lessons and are all part of that. As ever, a work in progress.
My patience is worn thin.
I think it’s because of work. Just for a change I feel like I’m not completely in control of everything I wish to be in control of. Of my teaching and all the things related with it – assessment, planning, the actual teaching, all the little things that go with it. Nothing new I suppose. It’s just couple with having co-teaching issues and issues with other teachers and I just don’t know where to start.
I would like to feel more organised, focused. I don’t like this feeling simply all over the place. And while I appreciate I should make better use of my time I don’t really feel like I ever have enough of it. The students start to arrive at 7:45 and, at the moment, Lyra and I get the school bus which gets in at 7:45. Then suddenly it’s 3:30 and I’m done.