Maybe it’s married life, maybe it’s home being somewhere in China, maybe it’s working with children, maybe it’s that I’ll be a father next month or just maybe it’s the cumulative weight of my experiences.
Maybe it’s realising that only you can find your own way in this world and that they were right all along*. Yet, you know you’re stronger for finding out these truths out yourself.
Maybe it’s knowing those people who you are certain of. Whose kindness, love, support is never in doubt.
Maybe that while that group is small, maybe you willing give of yourself to countless more because this is it and because you can.
Maybe you’ll be the one to break a silence.
*Where to start… Let it go. Smile more. Worry less. Tell those that are important to you that they are, repeatedly. Be kind. Things will work out. And so on.
The mindset we need isn’t the positive-thinking mantra that failure is impossible; it’s that failures are inevitable, and for good reason. It’s an unexpectedly hopeful conclusion: we may never really understand how to get what we want, or stave off the very worst – yet we may manage it anyway.
In no particular order. Things I plan to do but will likely fail at.
- 1 Second Everyday
- 130kg squat/100kg clean + jerk/190kg deadlift/100kg bench
- Get ripped
- Cook lunch and dinner regularly
- Write on my blog more frequently
- Focus on doing less better at work
- Meditate daily
- Be a good dad
- Speak more Chinese instead of letting L do all the talking
- Drink more water
- Look at my phone when moving around less
- Tidy more
And sometimes, the universe seems so big that nothing matters much.
And sometimes, our troubles, our little corner, feel like weight of it all.
And sometimes, our troubles, become our little corner. We wake to them, live with them, sleep with them.
And sometimes, we realise we can be more.
The reason that I feel like I do.
There was the time I drank tequila straight on the balcony at 2am. It all got a bit much. But really that passed pretty quickly, the hangover lingered but I moved on from the reasons for it the next day.
Yet this time, coming back from Cambodia. The hangover has lingered. I faced it down yesterday and started to feel like it was passing.
Yet today, it’s still here.
It’s because all all my priorities have changed. Things that were important, that felt so, aren’t anymore.
The things that are, just are.
They come before everything else now.
This week was glorious. Like a holiday should be but which we’re never sold on. Instead of beaches and pools it was evening meals and sitting on the sofa. Time with friends, of nothing much, nothing to excess, but more then enough. Too much. I am overflowing.
It was the time out that I sorely needed. A step back and away, away from everything that is daily life – of work, friendships that don’t feel enough, of the burdens of living abroad, of how soon there’ll be three of us in our little family. I didn’t realise how everything had combined to burden me in the way it did. This week has helped me remember again the important things in life. Love, friendship, kindness, done unconditionally. As well as how potent the opposites are at poisoning our thoughts.
Of how lucky I am in a multitude of ways. How too often that never seemed enough. How it never does. How I’m working to replace jealousy with love. Replacing wishing I had that with being glad that someone else does.
Different is good.
It’s a holiday.
It’s time with friends.
It’s time to see someone where new.
It’s time off.
It’s time to think.
You can take a horse to water…
I’ve been sending a friend a lot of quotes lately. She’s been having a hard time and likes them but really I can’t help think how useful they really are. The difference between treating the cause or just the symptoms. Somethings you just have to learn for yourself.
This is something that I have learnt for myself.
I want to write more. I never know what to write about. I say I’ll sit down and just see what comes… But that never happens.
So, I just spent 10 minutes putting photos on Flickr.
Was off sick today, felt horrible yesterday. Drained, lethargic, with no appetite, tired.
Today, felt better but stayed off because it wouldn’t have helped. I did go in for a parent information evening because no one else could do it. Got told that I didn’t look well, I thought I was feeling better.
But it did make me think about how good, or bad a judge of how we are.
Am I fine?
Am I well enough? Should I be doing more of this or less of this? Should I be staying at home instead of going to work? Should I be making more of effort to do this or that?
Are we a good judge? By what standards are we judging anyway?
I meant to start a list of things I was going to start doing in the coming school year. I just never got around to finding the time to do it. I had a thought that I might do it tomorrow but realistically, I’m just gonna dilly dally. I want to do overhead squats and burpees but I think the school gym is under construction still.
I was going to meditate more, stick to the strength programme that I’m now paying for, write more, practise my Chinese more (especially outside in the real world), to try and get my head around teaching Year 2 and the particular requirements that our school presents.
Maybe I should just do all of them.