Maybe it’s married life, maybe it’s home being somewhere in China, maybe it’s working with children, maybe it’s that I’ll be a father next month or just maybe it’s the cumulative weight of my experiences.
Maybe it’s realising that only you can find your own way in this world and that they were right all along*. Yet, you know you’re stronger for finding out these truths out yourself.
Maybe it’s knowing those people who you are certain of. Whose kindness, love, support is never in doubt.
Maybe that while that group is small, maybe you willing give of yourself to countless more because this is it and because you can.
Maybe you’ll be the one to break a silence.
*Where to start… Let it go. Smile more. Worry less. Tell those that are important to you that they are, repeatedly. Be kind. Things will work out. And so on.
The mindset we need isn’t the positive-thinking mantra that failure is impossible; it’s that failures are inevitable, and for good reason. It’s an unexpectedly hopeful conclusion: we may never really understand how to get what we want, or stave off the very worst – yet we may manage it anyway.
In no particular order. Things I plan to do but will likely fail at.
And sometimes, the universe seems so big that nothing matters much.
And sometimes, our troubles, our little corner, feel like weight of it all.
And sometimes, our troubles, become our little corner. We wake to them, live with them, sleep with them.
And sometimes, we realise we can be more.
If you must leave,
Leave as though fire burns under your feet
If you must speak,
Speak every word as though it were unique
If you must die, sweetheart
Die knowing your life was my life’s best part
And if you must die,
Remember your life
Oh, you are
If you must fight,
Fight with yourself and your thoughts in the night
If you must work,
Work to leave some part of you on this earth
If you must live, darling one,
There was the time I drank tequila straight on the balcony at 2am. It all got a bit much. But really that passed pretty quickly, the hangover lingered but I moved on from the reasons for it the next day.
Yet this time, coming back from Cambodia. The hangover has lingered. I faced it down yesterday and started to feel like it was passing.
Yet today, it’s still here.
It’s because all all my priorities have changed. Things that were important, that felt so, aren’t anymore.
The things that are, just are.
They come before everything else now.
This week was glorious. Like a holiday should be but which we’re never sold on. Instead of beaches and pools it was evening meals and sitting on the sofa. Time with friends, of nothing much, nothing to excess, but more then enough. Too much. I am overflowing.
It was the time out that I sorely needed. A step back and away, away from everything that is daily life – of work, friendships that don’t feel enough, of the burdens of living abroad, of how soon there’ll be three of us in our little family. I didn’t realise how everything had combined to burden me in the way it did. This week has helped me remember again the important things in life. Love, friendship, kindness, done unconditionally. As well as how potent the opposites are at poisoning our thoughts.
Of how lucky I am in a multitude of ways. How too often that never seemed enough. How it never does. How I’m working to replace jealousy with love. Replacing wishing I had that with being glad that someone else does.