My greatest asset is how nice I am. Yet, I often wonder that my problem, as I see it, is that I treat everyone the same. People that annoy me, people I have a reason to dislike, people I fancy. That I have no way of differentiating how I treat people. In some regards it’s an excellent trait. Especially for a teacher. My patience, largely, knows now bounds. My forgiveness is quick to come. Annoyances pass in a moment. We’ve moved on already. Every moment is another chance to prove yourself.
And yet, deep down it feels like it presents one of my biggest problems. That I feel like I’m too nice. Rarely contrary. Fading into the background. A constant state of nice. And sometimes I fucking hate it.
I rarely get angry, rarely lose my temper. Not properly. Never get really wound up. I can easily count the times I’m genuinely crossed the line from annoyed to properly irate. Right now that doesn’t feel like a good thing. It felt like I did today. And you know what… I liked it. Had this pureness of focus (what a stupid way of phrasing it) that I rarely get otherwise. A focus to move, do, to get things actually done. Instead of pissing about being not a lot of anything. It’s why I’m still single. It’s not because I’ve not met the ‘right person’ yet. It’s because of me. I’m my own worst fucking enemy.
May 3, 2012 1 Comment
Today.
So I found out the job I, like, totally wasn’t pining over isn’t there anymore today. So yeah.
So straight to a freezing cold shower. So on my shower 12 O’Clock is off and the hottest setting. Handle goes round anti-clockwise. I started with 6 O’Clock but was in the mood for some 8 O’lClock work tonight. I mean, it’s freezing cold. Your initial reaction is one of shock and then you have to fight through it. Which I did. Then it actually became warm, not the water but my reaction to it. My body felt cosy and warm inside as opposed to the hot shower feeling of the hot water over you’re skin. It was amazing frankly. I didn’t really expect it and showed me how I hadn’t really been staying in long enough. So I just started to enjoy being it. I stood and grinned about it and stepped out of the shower feeling positive, calmer, happier.
Crossfit WOD
Jackie:
1000m
50 thrusters ()
30 pull ups
7:51.
Really pleased with that. Worked through the row steadily. Didn’t put the bar down for the thrusters and got through the pull ups faster then I would of as Ed was there pushing me on. DONE.
April 30, 2012 Leave a comment
Today was a good day. Yesterday wasn’t. I slipped and let myself get caught up, overthinking, worrying and letting my anxieties get the better of me. Today, I got up was up and out and doing things and not sitting dwelling.
You know what. It felt good.
April 29, 2012 Leave a comment
It’s…
That feeling after a film. After that happy ending. Of everything working out, in the end. That that could be you too. That those things getting to you. Can be worked out. Resolved.
So for me. What is that? It’s sorting my room. It’s cold showers, meditating, making my bed.
It’s making the effort to spend less time alone.
It’s about everything being so definite. Of not thinking in those terms. It is simply being present. And of starting now.
Sent from my iPhone Touch.
April 29, 2012 Leave a comment
How does that make you feel?
How Does Approach Anxiety Feel to You?.
This popped up in one of the blogs I read about approach anxiety* today and it got me thinking about what my answer would be. We all know what it is though right? We do. Excellent.
I think, now, it at a point where avoiding thinking about talking to women is my default response. Now, I very much avoid the situations where this might actually happen. I’m not a big drinker now and because I don’t really tend to go out a lot and if I do go out then it’s with a set group of friends most of whom tend to not be single.
*Which is true and not, they are but it’s also a lot broader then that.
April 28, 2012 Leave a comment
Believe
We may find ourselves feeling hopeless or resigned, and we may wonder if there will ever be a light at the end of the tunnel.
That’s we need to realize the brightest light is within us.
We are the ones who can save us. We are our own rescue mission.
We may not have all the answers. And we may need help and support along the way. But ultimately, when we’re feeling stuck, we’re the ones that need to hold on, push through, and make our way to the other side.
We’ll inevitably face challenges in life. The best defense is believing that we are strong, we will survive, and we will be better for it.
April 28, 2012 Leave a comment
I was thinking. The problem is that I sit down to write a blog on one thing and I’m constantly distracted by everything else. Must be more focused.*
*Also, don’t let myself get distracted by the internet.
April 28, 2012 Leave a comment
